‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, Crime Writer Style

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a corpse was breathing, not even their spouse;

Nylon stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that the police would not find them there;

The live victims were nestled all snug in their restraints;

While visions of mayhem snuffed out their complaints;

My ol’ man in his bandana, and I in my cap

Had just settled in for a quick nightly nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew with a dash,

Tore open the curtains and hid the drug stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Gave a lustre of midday to a person below.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a swirling lit cop car and eight plastic reindeer,

With a frumpy old driver so slow and not quick,

I knew in a moment he’d never catch Nick.

He slogged through the snow, toward our doorway he came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called us odd names:

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blixen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As leaves that blew before the storm hit,

When he met with an obstacle, our pit bull named Kit; Twas the Night Before Christmas, Crime Writer Style

So up to the housetop the cop climbs the lattice,

With no warrant or recourse, as if he had gratis,

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing like he was dancing in hoofs.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney the cop came with a thundering bound.

He was dressed all in blue, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all singed with ashes and soot;

A bundle of pot brownies he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a junkie just opening his sack.

His eyes–how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth snarled up with a grin,

And the squint to one eye like he’d drank all our gin;

The stump of a cigar he held tight in buck teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and not much of a belly

That barely moved when he laughed, like a jar with no jelly.

He was cheerful with glee, a right jolly old cop,

And I laughed when I saw him; he looked like Nick’s pop;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And stole all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, into the fire he dove.

I sprang forward to save him, then stopped, reconsidered,

How much would they pay for a cop’s body, delivered? 

 But I heard Nick exclaim, ere he drove out the lot,

“You’ll get us both busted and rightfully caught.”

“Shush,” I told him, but one moment too late.

For he had vanished; so much for that date.

Back in bed I climbed, the mattress now ample,

And sprinkled the pillows with the cop’s drug sample.

When I drew my last breath before my eyelids did flutter,

I mumbled, “Merry Christmas to all; may your nights make you shudder.”

Twas the Night Before Christmas, Crime Writer StyleAfter today’s Partners In Crime show, I’m off till after Christmas. Warm wishes for your holidays.

xo,

Sue

About Sue Coletta

Member of Mystery Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, and International Thriller Writers, Sue Coletta is an award-winning, bestselling, multi-published author in numerous anthologies and her forensics articles have appeared in InSinC Quarterly. In addition to her popular crime resource blog, Sue co-hosts the radio show "Partners In Crime" on Writestream Radio Network every third Tuesday of the month from 1 - 3 p.m. EDT/EST (see sidebar for details). She's also the communications manager for the Serial Killer Project and Forensic Science, and founder of #ACrimeChat on Twitter. 2017 Award-winner of Feedspot's Top 50 Crime Blogs (Murder Blog sits at #6), contact Sue for speaking engagements, book signings, reading, and events.

38 Comments

  1. haha! Love it. Merry Christmas.

  2. A cute and fun post. Happy Holidays to you and yours.

  3. That was fun, Sue! 😀
    Merry Christmas to you and yours, my friend!

  4. Merry Christmas to you and yours, Sue. 🙂 — Suzanne

  5. Merry Christmas Sue!
    JUNE LORRAINE ROBERTS recently posted…What’s it all about?My Profile

  6. This is great! Merry Christmas, Sue! May your nights be filled with twinkling lights and a healthy dose of revenge! Merry Christmas!!!

  7. Fabulous and so clever.Thanks so much. Happy Christmas oen and all and a fab 2017 too 🙂

  8. Great one, Sue! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you!
    JHolmes, author recently posted…Oh, the weather outside …My Profile

  9. I agree. This should be on a Christmas card for mystery lovers! Have a great holiday season!

  10. Very funny. I think I’ll volunteer to read “Twas the Night before Christmas” this year just to liven things up a bit. Merry Christmas, Sue!

  11. Great, Sue. You need to make this into a personalized Christmas card! 🙂
    –Michael
    E. Michael Helms recently posted…Deciding What to Include in a Mystery Story By Karen McCulloughMy Profile

  12. And a merry, dark, Christmas to you, Sue!

  13. Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas. May you and your accomplices remain at large throughout the New Year.
    pauldaleanderson recently posted…New Trade Paperback Edition of Claw HammerMy Profile

  14. Hahaha! Sounds like a Florida Santa.

  15. Very entertaining.

  16. This is brilliant, Sue!! Just fabulous!! I love it! Wishing you and those you love all the best for Christmas and always.
    Margot Kinberg recently posted…In The Spotlight: Douglas Lindsay’s We Are the Hanged ManMy Profile

  17. And a Merry Ho Ho Homicide to all and to all a might survive the night

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