With Valentine’s Day upon us, lots of love posts float around the web. Love can be a wonderful emotion; it also borders hatred. I do include relationships in my books. Sometimes my characters have long-standing marriages. Other times the relationship sizzles with newness. I don’t, however, write a lot of sex scenes. Folks are so vulnerable in bed that my inner serial killer yearns for the perfect way to eliminate the lovers. Tender scenes between a loving couple? Absolutely. But I’m a crime writer for cryin’ out loud. In the darkness is where I reign. So, let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day crime writer style.
Method #1: Carotid Artery
Another woman sniffing around your man? During your confrontation with the bimbo — we can’t ignore that type of behavior, now can we? — take her by surprise with one well-placed stab to the carotid artery. Don’t forget to withdraw the hunting knife! We wouldn’t want it to act as a plug. If you’ve studied the optimal killing site, the act should look something like this …
There are two carotid arteries in the neck, one on the left side and one on the right. Each carotid artery branches into two divisions:
- Internal carotid artery supplies blood to the brain;
- External carotid artery supplies blood to the face and neck.
If it were me, I’d aim for the internal carotid, but it’s a personal preference. If you’d rather watch the blood drain from the bimbo’s face and neck, then shoot for the external. Both will get the job done.
Method #2: Iron Rod
Surprise your selfish lover with an iron rod to the heart. Caution: bloodstains could potentially ruin your sheets, so you may want to convince him to take you to his place tonight.
Notice the force of his thrust? Several blasts to the heart might make you feel even better. Have fun with this one! There’s no right or wrong number of times to stab your lover. Oh, unless you wish to include symbolism. If you do, may I suggest counting out the number of times he was late?
Method #3: Poison
Be sure to use a fast-acting poison if you choose this murder method. No need to be psychopathic about it by dragging out your lover’s agony.
Garry Rodgers wrote a fantastic article about Tetrodotoxin, which is a complex biochemical found in two marine creatures, the blue-ringed octopus and the puffer fish. It’s also in slugs, but on a much smaller scale. Whether it’s injected via octopus bite — how might you explain a pet octopus? — or ingested by way of food or drink, the poison will kill your lover within a few minutes, depending on size and amount administered. First, it blocks nerve responses, then it paralyzes the victim, which prevents them from breathing. Finally, it stops the heart. As little as 1 milligram is all you need to murder your lover.
Method #4: Pistol
Ladies, please don’t close your eyes while firing a weapon. I know murder isn’t easy, but if you’re determined to see this through then you may as well do it right. For information on the correct ammunition to use, my fellow Kill Zone member, John Gilstrap, wrote a post about it today. Psst … use hollow points.
Method #5: Suffocation
This method is fairly straightforward. Notice how the sloth covers the kitty’s mouth and nose with one smooth motion? Perfect execution! Only use this method on humans please. We’re not savages, after all.
Method #6: Well Toss
Umm, sure. Why not? It may take a while for your lover to drown, but if you’re into that kinda thing … No judgments! Please be aware that you may require assistance. Unless you setup a tripod and tell your lover to sit on the edge of the well. Y’know, the lighting is better over here, honey. wink, wink A quick, hard shove should do the trick.
Method #7: Ax
One of my personal favorites. Nothing screams you’re on the edge of sanity quite like an ax. Don’t you agree? Here again, you may want to do this at his place to avoid a lengthy crime scene clean up. Notice the plastic coveralls? Get yourself an identical suit, but wear the hood. You don’t want to leave hairs behind for the crime scene unit. Do you?
Method #8: Fire
This method involves pre-planning to rig your lover’s vehicle, but it’s clever, clean, and easy. With a push of a computer key, the job is done. Bye-bye, lover boy!
Method #9: Wooden Stake
Does your lover like to suck your neck a little too long? A wooden stake may be the only way to rid yourself of him or her. ‘Course, you’ll want to aim for the heart. A punctured lung might be fun, but then why use the stake in the first place?
Method #10: Chainsaw
For a dramatic way to prove a point, a chainsaw might be the perfect way to go. Very messy. Lots of blood. You’ll also need to bag the body parts. It may be best to bury the individually-wrapped bags like the Toronto serial killer, who buried pieces of several people in various flower pots in the Toronto area. Working as a landscaper aided him in this regard. As he mowed lawns he’d sneak body parts into the homeowners’ gardens and freestanding flower pots. More on him in a later post.
Bonus Method: Staircase
Do NOT harm the family dog. This gif is for educational purposes only. Notice how she effortlessly pushes her lover down the stairs? So graceful, so ladylike, a flick of the wrist and your problem is gone. Unless his neck doesn’t snap. Yeah, that could happen. Then what do you do? No problem. Finish him off with a quick slash to the neck like this …
Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Hope your night is filled with thrills and chills.