10 Ways to Murder Your Lover

With Valentine’s Day upon us, lots of love posts float around the web. Love can be a wonderful emotion; it also borders hatred. I do include relationships in my books. Sometimes my characters have long-standing marriages. Other times the relationship sizzles with newness. I don’t, however, write a lot of sex scenes. Folks are so vulnerable in bed that my inner serial killer yearns for the perfect way to eliminate the lovers. Tender scenes between a loving couple? Absolutely. But I’m a crime writer for cryin’ out loud. In the darkness is where I reign. So, let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day crime writer style.

Method #1: Carotid Artery

Another woman sniffing around your man? During your confrontation with the bimbo — we can’t ignore that type of behavior, now can we? — take her by surprise with one well-placed stab to the carotid artery. Don’t forget to withdraw the hunting knife! We wouldn’t want it to act as a plug. If you’ve studied the optimal killing site, the act should look something like this …

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There are two carotid arteries in the neck, one on the left side and one on the right. Each carotid artery branches into two divisions:

  • Internal carotid artery supplies blood to the brain;
  • External carotid artery supplies blood to the face and neck.

If it were me, I’d aim for the internal carotid, but it’s a personal preference. If you’d rather watch the blood drain from the bimbo’s face and neck, then shoot for the external. Both will get the job done.

Method #2: Iron Rod

Surprise your selfish lover with an iron rod to the heart. Caution: bloodstains could potentially ruin your sheets, so you may want to convince him to take you to his place tonight.

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Notice the force of his thrust? Several blasts to the heart might make you feel even better. Have fun with this one! There’s no right or wrong number of times to stab your lover. Oh, unless you wish to include symbolism. If you do, may I suggest counting out the number of times he was late?

Method #3: Poison

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Be sure to use a fast-acting poison if you choose this murder method. No need to be psychopathic about it by dragging out your lover’s agony.

Garry Rodgers wrote a fantastic article about Tetrodotoxin, which is a complex biochemical found in two marine creatures, the blue-ringed octopus and the puffer fish. It’s also in slugs, but on a much smaller scale. Whether it’s injected via octopus bite — how might you explain a pet octopus? — or ingested by way of food or drink, the poison will kill your lover within a few minutes, depending on size and amount administered. First, it blocks nerve responses, then it paralyzes the victim, which prevents them from breathing. Finally, it stops the heart. As little as 1 milligram is all you need to murder your lover.

Method #4: Pistol

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Ladies, please don’t close your eyes while firing a weapon. I know murder isn’t easy, but if you’re determined to see this through then you may as well do it right. For information on the correct ammunition to use, my fellow Kill Zone member, John Gilstrap, wrote a post about it today. Psst … use hollow points.

Method #5: Suffocation

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This method is fairly straightforward. Notice how the sloth covers the kitty’s mouth and nose with one smooth motion? Perfect execution! Only use this method on humans please. We’re not savages, after all.

Method #6: Well Toss

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Umm, sure. Why not? It may take a while for your lover to drown, but if you’re into that kinda thing … No judgments! Please be aware that you may require assistance. Unless you setup a tripod and tell your lover to sit on the edge of the well. Y’know, the lighting is better over here, honey. wink, wink A quick, hard shove should do the trick.

Method #7: Ax

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One of my personal favorites. Nothing screams you’re on the edge of sanity quite like an ax. Don’t you agree? Here again, you may want to do this at his place to avoid a lengthy crime scene clean up. Notice the plastic coveralls? Get yourself an identical suit, but wear the hood. You don’t want to leave hairs behind for the crime scene unit. Do you?

Method #8: Fire

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This method involves pre-planning to rig your lover’s vehicle, but it’s clever, clean, and easy. With a push of a computer key, the job is done. Bye-bye, lover boy!

Method #9: Wooden Stake

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Does your lover like to suck your neck a little too long? A wooden stake may be the only way to rid yourself of him or her. ‘Course, you’ll want to aim for the heart. A punctured lung might be fun, but then why use the stake in the first place?

Method #10: Chainsaw

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For a dramatic way to prove a point, a chainsaw might be the perfect way to go. Very messy. Lots of blood. You’ll also need to bag the body parts. It may be best to bury the individually-wrapped bags like the Toronto serial killer, who buried pieces of several people in various flower pots in the Toronto area. Working as a landscaper aided him in this regard. As he mowed lawns he’d sneak body parts into the homeowners’ gardens and freestanding flower pots. More on him in a later post.

Bonus Method: Staircase

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Do NOT harm the family dog. This gif is for educational purposes only. Notice how she effortlessly pushes her lover down the stairs? So graceful, so ladylike, a flick of the wrist and your problem is gone. Unless his neck doesn’t snap. Yeah, that could happen. Then what do you do? No problem. Finish him off with a quick slash to the neck like this …

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Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Hope your night is filled with thrills and chills.

About Sue Coletta

Member of Mystery Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, and International Thriller Writers, Sue Coletta is the bestselling, award-winning author of psychological thrillers and mysteries. OOTG Flash Fiction Offensive magazine published her flash fiction and her short stories are published in numerous anthologies and collections. InSinC Quarterly featured her forensic articles about Radiocarbon Dating and Skeletal Differences. In 2017, Feedspot awarded her Murder Blog as one of the Top 50 Crime Blogs on the net. Sue's also the communications manager for Forensic Science and the Serial Killer Project. As a way to help fellow crime writers, Sue created a team of crime experts (detectives, coroners, police captains, etc.) and founded #ACrimeChat on Twitter. She's also a proud member of the Kill Zone, where she blogs every other Monday.

23 Comments

  1. LOL I love thinking of ways to dispatch someone. Such fun. 🙂

  2. OMWord! An anti-valentine post, LOL.

    The dogs were too funny. My previous cat always used to try to trip me on the stairs by rubbing against my ankles. Of course, he did it out of love, but you gotta wonder 🙂

  3. I wonder what it says about me that I’m laughing at this. The ax… too funny. Great post, Sue.

  4. You picked the perfect time to post this, Sue. Great post! 🙂 — Suzanne

  5. Love it! Now that’s a fun topic for Valentine’s Day. Thanks Sue!

  6. Great post Sue! I always tell my husband I’d never let anybody hurt him, because after 28 yrs I’ve EARNED the right. I just threaten to cut him up & feed him to the cats & dogs. We used to have a burn pit for the trash & when he pissed me off( read every day!) I’d just tell him to go stand by the pit.
    The cat & sloth are adorable. So are the dogs.

    • Hahahahahaha! Love it, Barbara! We’ve been together 20 years, and I concur. If anyone’s gonna kill him, I’ve earned the right. Especially when he asks the same ol’ question time and again, “Should I worry? As it is, I sleep with one eye open.”
      “Well, let’s see.” Toss the evil little grin. Not too much, or we’ll lose the advantage. “I do kill people for a living.”

      A non-answer keeps ’em on their toes!

  7. I find very few of life’s problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.

  8. Lizza prefers the push down the stairs method. So do my cats. They try to trip me every time I use the stairs. I’m doomed!

  9. Luv #5 with the sloth & cat, Sue! Enjoy your Valentines dinner out with Bob. I offered to take Rita out tonight, too, but she said, “Naw, let’s stay home this evening. I’ll make some Japanese tonight.. a little sashimi called fugu. It’s to die for!” The sweet dear even went out and got some fresh fish which she’s filleting right now. Mmmmm….

    • Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! Umm, Garry? Before you dine tell Rita to add your email subscribers to my list. Better yet, leave a note by your keyboard, signed and notarized. Enjoy the meal!

  10. Why are there two number eights?

  11. Hmm….not sure I should let my husband see this, Sue. I might not make it through the night… 😉 – In all seriousness, it’s a great post. And what I like about it is that none of these methods requires a lot of technical know-how or expertise. Good to remember for the crime writer whose culprits are ‘normal’ people without special knowledge.

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