Dear Serial Killer …

I read a ton of serial killer thrillers. It’s my preferred genre as a writer, movie-goer, and reader (along with true crime). When authors do their homework, the books are superb. Can’t put ‘em down. The others, well, the killer’s actions and motivations are so farfetched that I’m pulled right out of the story. That’s what this post started out as before WordPress notified me that it’s my five-year blogging anniversary. Then this post morphed into something else entirely. —shrugs– 😀

In honor of Murder Blog turning five years old today, I feel it’s my duty to offer five lucky serial killers a few tips, in case they’re surfing the net for research (yes, serial killers really do that in real life).

Dear Scaredy Cat Serial Killer,

If you’re man enough to do the crime, then do your time without all the whining, drama, and fake insanity pleas.

We all know you didn’t wake up one day and just “snap.” You may’ve had a “trigger” that pushed you to fulfill that sick fantasy you’ve been dreaming about since your teenage years, but you weren’t fine one day and psychotic the next. Please don’t insult our intelligence by using this as a defense. It simply doesn’t ring true. Man-up and admit what you’ve done. Who knows? If you’re skilled enough to catch my attention, I may even write a post about you one day.

Sincerely,

I’m Onto You

Dear Torso Serial Killer,

Of course, you can take your victim’s head home! Ed Kemper and Ted Bundy enjoyed the same pleasure. Why not you? Keep in mind, though, decapitation isn’t as easy as it looks on TV. You’ll be slicing through the thyroid gland, trachea, esophagus, cervical vertebra, spinal cord, and spinous process, never mind the inferior thyroid artery and vein, internal carotid artery and jugular vein, recurrent laryngeal nerve, as well as the vagus nerve, external jugular, stellate ganglion, accessory nerve, anterior tubercle of transverse process, and vertebral artery and vein.

Ed says he heard a little “pop” when the head broke loose. So, you may want to be on the lookout for that.

Sincerely,

Helpful “Not Your Type” Blogger

Dear Cannibal Serial Killer,

Humans are not the other white meat. I know you’ve been dreaming about this day for a long, long time, but I’m wondering what you hope to gain by consuming your victim. Are you fascinated by Albert Fish, who cooked a girl’s body parts in a stew with onions and carrots? If so, learn from his mistakes. Fueled by sadism, Fish wrote a letter to his victim’s mother, and it sealed his fate …

“…I made up my mind to eat her… First, I stripped her naked. How she did kick, bite, and scratch. I choked her to death, then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms. Cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body.”

Do I find your cannibal tendencies sick and twisted? Nah. Boys will be boys. Just please don’t feed the meat to your farm animals, wildlife, or pets. It’s just not cool. If you must engage in this type of behavior, then save the savory dish for yourself. And for God’s sakes, wash your hands! A quick gargle with mouthwash couldn’t hurt, either.

Sincerely,

Gagging Grandmother

Dear Hazy Serial Killer,

Perhaps it’s best if you refrain from drugs and alcohol while pursuing your dreams of infamy. They’ll just make you sloppy. Do you really want to get caught before victim number three? Forensic science is not your friend. Please keep the Locard Exchange Principle in mind. If we strip it down to its bare-bones, so to speak, it states, “With contact between two items, there will be an exchange.” I made you a handy reference to explain further (see above image). Don’t say I never gave you nothin’. 🙂

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Crime Writer

Dear Budding Serial Killer,

To truly adopt the title of Serial Killer, you’ll need a cooling off period between three-or-more murders. Otherwise, you’re technically a spree killer. Unless, of course, that’s your goal. Then, by all means, bang ‘em out one after another.

If, however, you wish to gain worldwide recognition, you’ll need to slow down and experience the seven stages of serial killing.

1. Aura Phase: Don’t fret, it’s natural to withdraw from society as your senses heighten. Your friends and family may not detect the change, but you’ll be trapped inside your fantasy life. Colors become more vibrant. And it’s here where violent acts from your childhood may play out in a new way, your mind rewriting history through sadistic sexual and violent urges.
2. Trolling Phase: Time to shop for a victim! Your first inclination will be to troll close to home or your workplace. Perfectly natural. After all, that’s your comfort zone. Trolling school zones, red-light districts, or lovers’ lanes is a bit stereotypical, but hey, no judgements. By the way, take your time. This phase could last for months or even years while you work up enough courage to act.
3. Wooing Phase: I know it sounds silly, but I think you’ll enjoy this phase. If you’re an organized, confident serial killer — and I hope you are, so I’m not wasting my time — you’ll want to put your victim’s mind at ease by showing her how nice you can be. Y’know, schmooze her a bit. Clearly, it’s a trap to make her feel more comfortable, but it works. Or slap on a fake leg cast or slip your arm into a sling like Bundy, and ask for help. Once you’ve gained her trust, the trap is set.
4. Capture Phase: Rip the mask off. It’s time to reveal your true self to your victim. This could be as simple as slapping a handcuff around her wrist or swift blow to her head. Either way, have fun with this phase! This is the part you’ll fantasize about later. Don’t forget to take her to a secluded area where no one will hear her scream. We wouldn’t want any nosey neighbors to impede your ultimate goal.
5. Murder Phase: I know you’ve worked hard, but you’re not done yet. To gain the title of Serial Killer, you’ll need to do the deed. Remember when we discussed your violent childhood? Well, now it’s time for a little roleplay, only this time, you’re the one in control. If you need help choosing a murder method, I’ve got a handy reference guide to help you out. Even so, killing a human isn’t an easy task. Take the time to study your craft. No stupid Serial Killers please! Also, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the actual murder may not live up to the image in your head. Read the next phase to learn more.
6. Totem Phase: Once you kill your victim, your excitement will nosedive. Take a memento from the victim to use later as you relive this glorious day in your fantasy life. As you’ve probably noticed, true Serial Killers fantasize a lot. It’s here, however, where this particular fantasy ends, and you’re thrust back to reality. You could shoot video or stills, tear off a piece of her clothing, pocket an earring, bracelet, ring, or watch, or even, disarticulate the body. If you choose the later, please refer to the Torso Serial Killer’s letter before moving ahead with your plan.
7. Depression: Sorry, but it goes with the gig. You may be depressed for days, weeks, months, or in some cases, years. There’s no cookie-cutter amount of time; it’s not a one-size-fits-all type of thing. You may even feel the need to commit suicide, not because you’re remorseful but because the party’s over. Plus, your fantasy life is way better than the reality of serial killing. Don’t cry, I’m sure you’ll improve. No one expects perfection the first time out.

Capeesh? Excellent. Now go forth and fulfill your dreams. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Ya-Better-Not-Be Hot for Teacher